Out of sudden feels so bored...
It's already 23rd of May.... also the 20th day after delivery.... and 17days baby with new family...
Felt so missed my baby.... Wish I have his photo..... at least I can have a glance of him......
I remebered that day we came to KL, in the car I looked at mom. I felt she so old now...
I felt so sad that I'd caused so many troubles to her and also making her worried about me so much... If time are able to return, I wish not to meet him so all this can be avoid... Or maybe the time we met and just be friends will be enough. Somehow, things had happened meant it's the past so now all I can do is try my very best and not letting mom down anymore.
Friday, 23 May 2008
Thursday, 15 May 2008
The SMS after REPLYING....
S: 20:28:51
Apa yg awak nak lagi?
S: 20:39:47
Adakah awak bg msg kata awak dtg ke Pudu?
S: 20:41:36
Saya tak pernah dpt msg lgsg. Msg kosong ada la. Tu pn 3hari yg lalu.
S: 20:44:13
Apa maksud awak tu je yg dpt?
S: 20:46:52
Ya. Hanya itu yg saya dpt. Buat apa nak cari dia lagi? Lepaskan dia saje la.
R: 20:48:29
Bg sy b'msg ngan dia dl...5 hb dl suruh saya dtg jemput dia..skrg suruh lepas plk..
S: 20:51:24
Kalau dah dapat msg dgn dia pula mcm mana? Knape pula awak tak panggil terus masa awak sampai Pudu? Knape pula msg saje?
R: 20:55:04
Nk pggl,mmg blh. Tp sy xblh nk ckp ape2,sy tkt..sy nk b'msg ngan dia je. Nk tnya dia..tlg la blh x? Sy tnya td,ni yg msg ni sape?
S: 20:56:48
Nak takut apa? Nak tanya dia apa pula?
R: 20:58:02
Ade la soalan yg nk tnya...sy tkt 3org hilang..mak sy,dia dan baby...
S: 21:00:40
Nak tanya apa? Knape tak boleh bagi saya tau?
R: 21:01:34
Ok, tp sape yg msg ngan sy skrg?
S: 21:02:04
Apa yg ok?
R: 21:03:17
Maksud sy, kang sy bg tau la ape yg nk bg tau kt dia. Ni sape?
S: 21:??:??
Nak bg tau bg tau saje. Jgn nak bazir masa lagi.
R: 21:08:11
Ya la, sy mgkn a'n xlama lg kt dunia ni.. Ini sape sebenarnya? Dh masuk 4kali b'tnya msh xb'jwb..
S: 21:09:10
Apa yg awak nak tanya kt saya?
R: 21:10:04
Ini sape?
S: 21:11:47
Org yg awak ingin tanya.
R: 21:11:46
Sape?
S: 21:13:16
the name....
R: 21:16:53
Oo...kn dh bg tau kt org yg msg mula2 td...nk bg tau tu je..maaf la ganggu ms ney...ling tau ney dh xnk kt ling lg dh..ling nk bg tau tu je. Ptg td br blk dr klinik pakar..nk bg ygling xlama dh kt sini. Maaf bt ney jd mcm ni..maaf byk2.
S: 21:23:13
Apa yg awak nk lg? Awak tau tak betapa peritnya hati saya? Sudah 10hari saya b'salin tp 1msg ataupn panggilan pn tak dpt. B'tambah perit lagi a'bila t'fikir akan anak saya... Dptkah awak pulangkan anak saya? Awak tau tak betapa susahnya nak lahirkan dia dan akhirnya kehilangan dia jg? Saya rasa nak gila dh. Semua perasaan cuma dpt dipendam dlm hati... Tiada org yg dpt tlg saya...
R: 21:29:16
Dimana b'salin, dimana tmpt tggl? Kalau nk blk anak tu, sy a'n bg blk..dlm ms 5bln sy pulangkn blk..sy mnta adik b'adik,abg2 sy cr.. Tp,kalau dh dpt,sy a'n pergi utk selama2nya. Seminggu sy di kl mcm org gila cr awk. Dgn mkn xtntu,tido xtntu..tlg buang kenangan sy pd awk. Dl jnji mcm mne?
S: 21:33:04
Apa gunanya cari anak saya? Dia sudah pn mati awak nk cari kt mana lg? Kini awak b'ada kt mana?
R: 21:34:00
Nape mati? Sy besok nk msk ke hospital kk. Blh bg tau dia meninggal kenapa?
S: 21:38:49
Tali pusat lilit leher.
R: 21:42:50
Oo...maaf b'tnya...sy b'doa semoga awk hidup bhgia utk ms a'n dtg..sy mmg dh xlama lg hidup..jaga diri elok2 tau..
S: 21:45:10
Sakit apa? Nk bahagia mcm mana? Nape pula tadi kata kehilangan mak?
R: 21:47:30
Mak skt..nape xbhgia plk..kn yg msg td kt sy lupakn awak. Sy skt bengkak hati yg serius...
S: 21:55:36
Ingatkn senangkah nk lupakan kenangan? Apa2 pn, minta maaf menyebabkn awak jd mcm ni... Mcm manapn, harap awak xapa2 dan dpt sembuh. Msg ant awak dgn kakak hari tu mmg amat menyakitkn hati. Sy ingin tanya, adakah sy ni diutamakn dlm hati awak?
R: 21:55:43
Dh la ek..awk jgn la risau,awk ttp ade org yg syg kt awk,cinta kt awk pd ms yg a'n dtg..walaupn berat hati nk tggl,tp tu adalah takdir. Sy lelaki xguna.
R: 21:56:59
Ya..
R: 22:02:09
Nape awk slalu diam?
S: 22:04:18
Ya? Tp sanggup awak ckp byk keje ms panggil awak ke kl? tak pn ms mula2 dl, ms mak tau mengandung... Atuk sakit, pastu ms nk b'salin dh pula mak sakit... Dh 2kali...
R: 22
R: 22:11:12
Sy mmg xguna..xpe la..biar la sy pegi terus..tntu awk aman..
***Stopped writting after that... some even missed too....
Apa yg awak nak lagi?
S: 20:39:47
Adakah awak bg msg kata awak dtg ke Pudu?
S: 20:41:36
Saya tak pernah dpt msg lgsg. Msg kosong ada la. Tu pn 3hari yg lalu.
S: 20:44:13
Apa maksud awak tu je yg dpt?
S: 20:46:52
Ya. Hanya itu yg saya dpt. Buat apa nak cari dia lagi? Lepaskan dia saje la.
R: 20:48:29
Bg sy b'msg ngan dia dl...5 hb dl suruh saya dtg jemput dia..skrg suruh lepas plk..
S: 20:51:24
Kalau dah dapat msg dgn dia pula mcm mana? Knape pula awak tak panggil terus masa awak sampai Pudu? Knape pula msg saje?
R: 20:55:04
Nk pggl,mmg blh. Tp sy xblh nk ckp ape2,sy tkt..sy nk b'msg ngan dia je. Nk tnya dia..tlg la blh x? Sy tnya td,ni yg msg ni sape?
S: 20:56:48
Nak takut apa? Nak tanya dia apa pula?
R: 20:58:02
Ade la soalan yg nk tnya...sy tkt 3org hilang..mak sy,dia dan baby...
S: 21:00:40
Nak tanya apa? Knape tak boleh bagi saya tau?
R: 21:01:34
Ok, tp sape yg msg ngan sy skrg?
S: 21:02:04
Apa yg ok?
R: 21:03:17
Maksud sy, kang sy bg tau la ape yg nk bg tau kt dia. Ni sape?
S: 21:??:??
Nak bg tau bg tau saje. Jgn nak bazir masa lagi.
R: 21:08:11
Ya la, sy mgkn a'n xlama lg kt dunia ni.. Ini sape sebenarnya? Dh masuk 4kali b'tnya msh xb'jwb..
S: 21:09:10
Apa yg awak nak tanya kt saya?
R: 21:10:04
Ini sape?
S: 21:11:47
Org yg awak ingin tanya.
R: 21:11:46
Sape?
S: 21:13:16
the name....
R: 21:16:53
Oo...kn dh bg tau kt org yg msg mula2 td...nk bg tau tu je..maaf la ganggu ms ney...ling tau ney dh xnk kt ling lg dh..ling nk bg tau tu je. Ptg td br blk dr klinik pakar..nk bg ygling xlama dh kt sini. Maaf bt ney jd mcm ni..maaf byk2.
S: 21:23:13
Apa yg awak nk lg? Awak tau tak betapa peritnya hati saya? Sudah 10hari saya b'salin tp 1msg ataupn panggilan pn tak dpt. B'tambah perit lagi a'bila t'fikir akan anak saya... Dptkah awak pulangkan anak saya? Awak tau tak betapa susahnya nak lahirkan dia dan akhirnya kehilangan dia jg? Saya rasa nak gila dh. Semua perasaan cuma dpt dipendam dlm hati... Tiada org yg dpt tlg saya...
R: 21:29:16
Dimana b'salin, dimana tmpt tggl? Kalau nk blk anak tu, sy a'n bg blk..dlm ms 5bln sy pulangkn blk..sy mnta adik b'adik,abg2 sy cr.. Tp,kalau dh dpt,sy a'n pergi utk selama2nya. Seminggu sy di kl mcm org gila cr awk. Dgn mkn xtntu,tido xtntu..tlg buang kenangan sy pd awk. Dl jnji mcm mne?
S: 21:33:04
Apa gunanya cari anak saya? Dia sudah pn mati awak nk cari kt mana lg? Kini awak b'ada kt mana?
R: 21:34:00
Nape mati? Sy besok nk msk ke hospital kk. Blh bg tau dia meninggal kenapa?
S: 21:38:49
Tali pusat lilit leher.
R: 21:42:50
Oo...maaf b'tnya...sy b'doa semoga awk hidup bhgia utk ms a'n dtg..sy mmg dh xlama lg hidup..jaga diri elok2 tau..
S: 21:45:10
Sakit apa? Nk bahagia mcm mana? Nape pula tadi kata kehilangan mak?
R: 21:47:30
Mak skt..nape xbhgia plk..kn yg msg td kt sy lupakn awak. Sy skt bengkak hati yg serius...
S: 21:55:36
Ingatkn senangkah nk lupakan kenangan? Apa2 pn, minta maaf menyebabkn awak jd mcm ni... Mcm manapn, harap awak xapa2 dan dpt sembuh. Msg ant awak dgn kakak hari tu mmg amat menyakitkn hati. Sy ingin tanya, adakah sy ni diutamakn dlm hati awak?
R: 21:55:43
Dh la ek..awk jgn la risau,awk ttp ade org yg syg kt awk,cinta kt awk pd ms yg a'n dtg..walaupn berat hati nk tggl,tp tu adalah takdir. Sy lelaki xguna.
R: 21:56:59
Ya..
R: 22:02:09
Nape awk slalu diam?
S: 22:04:18
Ya? Tp sanggup awak ckp byk keje ms panggil awak ke kl? tak pn ms mula2 dl, ms mak tau mengandung... Atuk sakit, pastu ms nk b'salin dh pula mak sakit... Dh 2kali...
R: 22
R: 22:11:12
Sy mmg xguna..xpe la..biar la sy pegi terus..tntu awk aman..
***Stopped writting after that... some even missed too....
The REPLY???
Today I'd decided to reply his sms just to see what he wants. In his reply, he said that he's in Pudu for a week but no one pick him up. He said he did sent a lot of messages. But what I recieved? NOTHING!!!!! Now, I just hope that he will just leave me alone... Let me continue with my life.... I'd been suffering a lot here... I don't want to continue this kind of life... I just want a peaceful life. I already lost my baby... I don't want to bear this pain anymore....
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
SMS between him and sis... (5th of May 2008)
S: 11:39:01
Ini kakak. Mak nak tau kenapa masih berhubung? Apa kamu berdua nak? Adakah kamu berdua nak kahwin ni? Jikalau nak, baik kamu datang sekarang.
R: 11:47:05
Kakak, sy b’hbg dgn dia krn sy syg dia. Mcm mne nk dtg,sdgkn sy sibuk keje dkt sini. Keje pn byk sgt. Nk tggl bos xbg. Kalau sy kahwin,mcm plk dgn agama adik kakak?
S: 11:55:29
Berani kamu kata sibuk kerja, sedangkan adik bertarung nyawa di sini. Jikalau ada apa2 berlaku dgn adik, kamulah pembunuhnya. Mak kata buat apa susah macam ni, baik kahwin terus. Mak dah takde akal lagi. Harapan mak dah musnah.
R: 12:02:14
Kakak,sy mnta maaf krn b’ckp mcm tu td ngan kakak. Kakak, sy mmg nk kahwin ngan adik kakak,tp duit x cukup. Sy cari duit ni pn krn nk simpan utk ms dpn kami b’dua. Sy nk dtg,tp adik kakak x bagi.
S: 12:11:09
Mak kata takpe. Baby tak akan diberikan kpd org lain lagi. Kamu datang segera, jemput adik dan baby balik.
R: 12:14:43
Kakak,sy xfhm la ape maksud mak kata takpe td. Blh kakak trgkn x?
S: 12:21:40
Mak tak kisah macam mana kamu berdua nak kahwin, tak perlukan apa2 mas kahwin. Janji kamu berdua sendiri selesaikan. Datang jemput adik dan baby balik.
R: 12:25:06
Ya kakak, tp kakak, mcm mne plk ngan agama adik? Dia kene tkr agama kalau kahwin ngan sy..
S: 12:30:26
Tukar la. Ini pilihan kamu berdua. Apa2 berlaku di masa hadapan, tanggunglah sendiri. Ini ialah dosa angkara kamu berdua.
R: 12:35:45
Ya kakak…tntg dosa tu mmg sy yg tanggung..kakak,sy nk tnya,adakah p’hbgn adik kakak dgn a’n b’akhir gitu je lps dia kahwin ngan sy?
S: 12:59:44
Dosa ditanggung oleh siapa, tuhan yg tahu. Adik tetap ahli keluarga kami. Yg akan musnahkan masa depan adik, Cuma kamu aje. Bersusah payah kami sediakan jalan terbaik utk adik, semua musnah di tangan kamu.
R: 13:12:54
Ya kakak, sy la yg bt adik kakak sengsara slps b’knln dgn sy.adik kakak kt mne skrg?
S: 13:13:18
Datang ke KL sekarang. Tungu kat Pudu Raya.
R: 13:24:40
Kakak,keadaan adik kakak mcm mne? Sy kt sini kene jaga mak. Mak sy x brape sihat jg..
S: 14:15:27
Adik berada dlm peringkat bahaya. Mungkin perlu menjalani pembedahan. Kamu datanglah dgn segera.
R: 14:23:10
Kakak,ckp btl2 ni…jgn main2..jgn bt sy jd xtentu hala..nape blh dia smpai ketahap tu?
S: 14:25:28
Kamu nak datang ke tak nak? Cakap aje.
R: 14:28:13
Nk, sy nk cr duit dl..sy mne ade gaji lg..
*R = Received
S = Sent
Since then, never get any sms from him until 22:32:09 (12th MAY 2008) but it is just an empty sms. Nothing that he type...
And I'm still thinking should I reply or not? If I reply, what should I reply?
Ini kakak. Mak nak tau kenapa masih berhubung? Apa kamu berdua nak? Adakah kamu berdua nak kahwin ni? Jikalau nak, baik kamu datang sekarang.
R: 11:47:05
Kakak, sy b’hbg dgn dia krn sy syg dia. Mcm mne nk dtg,sdgkn sy sibuk keje dkt sini. Keje pn byk sgt. Nk tggl bos xbg. Kalau sy kahwin,mcm plk dgn agama adik kakak?
S: 11:55:29
Berani kamu kata sibuk kerja, sedangkan adik bertarung nyawa di sini. Jikalau ada apa2 berlaku dgn adik, kamulah pembunuhnya. Mak kata buat apa susah macam ni, baik kahwin terus. Mak dah takde akal lagi. Harapan mak dah musnah.
R: 12:02:14
Kakak,sy mnta maaf krn b’ckp mcm tu td ngan kakak. Kakak, sy mmg nk kahwin ngan adik kakak,tp duit x cukup. Sy cari duit ni pn krn nk simpan utk ms dpn kami b’dua. Sy nk dtg,tp adik kakak x bagi.
S: 12:11:09
Mak kata takpe. Baby tak akan diberikan kpd org lain lagi. Kamu datang segera, jemput adik dan baby balik.
R: 12:14:43
Kakak,sy xfhm la ape maksud mak kata takpe td. Blh kakak trgkn x?
S: 12:21:40
Mak tak kisah macam mana kamu berdua nak kahwin, tak perlukan apa2 mas kahwin. Janji kamu berdua sendiri selesaikan. Datang jemput adik dan baby balik.
R: 12:25:06
Ya kakak, tp kakak, mcm mne plk ngan agama adik? Dia kene tkr agama kalau kahwin ngan sy..
S: 12:30:26
Tukar la. Ini pilihan kamu berdua. Apa2 berlaku di masa hadapan, tanggunglah sendiri. Ini ialah dosa angkara kamu berdua.
R: 12:35:45
Ya kakak…tntg dosa tu mmg sy yg tanggung..kakak,sy nk tnya,adakah p’hbgn adik kakak dgn a’n b’akhir gitu je lps dia kahwin ngan sy?
S: 12:59:44
Dosa ditanggung oleh siapa, tuhan yg tahu. Adik tetap ahli keluarga kami. Yg akan musnahkan masa depan adik, Cuma kamu aje. Bersusah payah kami sediakan jalan terbaik utk adik, semua musnah di tangan kamu.
R: 13:12:54
Ya kakak, sy la yg bt adik kakak sengsara slps b’knln dgn sy.adik kakak kt mne skrg?
S: 13:13:18
Datang ke KL sekarang. Tungu kat Pudu Raya.
R: 13:24:40
Kakak,keadaan adik kakak mcm mne? Sy kt sini kene jaga mak. Mak sy x brape sihat jg..
S: 14:15:27
Adik berada dlm peringkat bahaya. Mungkin perlu menjalani pembedahan. Kamu datanglah dgn segera.
R: 14:23:10
Kakak,ckp btl2 ni…jgn main2..jgn bt sy jd xtentu hala..nape blh dia smpai ketahap tu?
S: 14:25:28
Kamu nak datang ke tak nak? Cakap aje.
R: 14:28:13
Nk, sy nk cr duit dl..sy mne ade gaji lg..
*R = Received
S = Sent
Since then, never get any sms from him until 22:32:09 (12th MAY 2008) but it is just an empty sms. Nothing that he type...
And I'm still thinking should I reply or not? If I reply, what should I reply?
Saturday, 10 May 2008
The PROFILE of my BABY
My baby....
He was born on 5th of May 2008, 11.50am. (1st of the forth month in lunar calendar)
His weight 3.08kg (6lb 13oz) when birth.
And his length is 49cm long.
Too bad that there isn't stated how big is the head.
*Registration number of my baby was 219755, but mom, jie and aunts also said that is 217955.
The doctor that supposed to be in charge of my delivery is Dr. Samuel but that time he wasn't in the clinic so Dr. Simon take charge of it.
I didn't see any birth marks on my baby, maybe there isn't any birth marks on him. Everyone says that he's very cute. My baby like to smile a lot. But when he cry, he looks cute just like drawing cartoon faces with lines. Jie said that he looks alike me a lot and there's a little bit like Kor too...
Jie did mention that he has the same nose and mouth as I do. Maybe 'cause he is my baby and only with me all the time so he never seems alike his dad at all.
Today is already the 6th day after the delivery, its also the 3rd day my baby with his new family. Nothing much that I'm hope for just that hoping that the family that adopt him will love him as much as I do. Baby, may you be well, happy always... Hope that you'll have happy life and not like mommy only full of sins and regrets.
He was born on 5th of May 2008, 11.50am. (1st of the forth month in lunar calendar)
His weight 3.08kg (6lb 13oz) when birth.
And his length is 49cm long.
Too bad that there isn't stated how big is the head.
*Registration number of my baby was 219755, but mom, jie and aunts also said that is 217955.
The doctor that supposed to be in charge of my delivery is Dr. Samuel but that time he wasn't in the clinic so Dr. Simon take charge of it.
I didn't see any birth marks on my baby, maybe there isn't any birth marks on him. Everyone says that he's very cute. My baby like to smile a lot. But when he cry, he looks cute just like drawing cartoon faces with lines. Jie said that he looks alike me a lot and there's a little bit like Kor too...
Jie did mention that he has the same nose and mouth as I do. Maybe 'cause he is my baby and only with me all the time so he never seems alike his dad at all.
Today is already the 6th day after the delivery, its also the 3rd day my baby with his new family. Nothing much that I'm hope for just that hoping that the family that adopt him will love him as much as I do. Baby, may you be well, happy always... Hope that you'll have happy life and not like mommy only full of sins and regrets.
Friday, 9 May 2008
Heart Broken....
I'd delivered my baby on 5th of May. That day also is the day where I really hurted everyone that concerned about me. I delivered my baby at 11.50am and I'm out from the labour room around 1.30pm. All my family members that know were worrying about me at outside of the labour room. At out of sudden, Aunt Christine asked me why I still contact with him? They'd messaged him and asked him to come but all of his excuses were given. My heart was really pain and I don't know what to do. Since then, I never get any message from him and I don't even text him at all.
At around 7pm on the day I'd deliver, I went to the baby's room and asked form the nurse to see my baby. That was the time I really look at my baby. My own baby!!! But he will be giving away!
On the 7th of May, I'm allowed to go back home. It also the day I'm going to be apart with my baby boy. Once I wake up in the morning, I'm anxiously waiting for the time to pass. At 10am, I went to the baby room to see my baby but my baby have to put under the UV light due to the skin getting yellowish. So, I just able to see my baby that the eyes been warped. I'd waited for the whole day but still can't see my baby. I'd been waiting for the whole day for the person that going to adopt my baby to come to pay for my bills.
At around 4pm, I knew it. That's the lady that came to take my baby away. At first my room's door was keep open 'cause I wished to see the person that going to adopt my baby. Then, mom shut the door so that they can easily bring the baby out. So I peep from the window and I saw the nurse giving my baby to the lady in the car and I told mom. I knew that they will love him very much but I can't really bear the pain that my baby is leaving me.. I'd tried to not to cry but my tears just can't stop and keep on falling.
Yesterday I "curi-curi" read the messages between him and sis from my phone. And it really hurt me once again. Yesterday afternoon also I told mom that I wish to keep a photo of my baby but mom said just let it go and don't keep it anymore.
I don't know why but it really hurt my heart. I promised to myself from the day my baby left me, I'll changed and forget about the past. After this one month of time, I'll be having a new life.
Lastly, my baby will always in my heart and I will pray for him wishing he will be having a great health with a happy life.
At around 7pm on the day I'd deliver, I went to the baby's room and asked form the nurse to see my baby. That was the time I really look at my baby. My own baby!!! But he will be giving away!
On the 7th of May, I'm allowed to go back home. It also the day I'm going to be apart with my baby boy. Once I wake up in the morning, I'm anxiously waiting for the time to pass. At 10am, I went to the baby room to see my baby but my baby have to put under the UV light due to the skin getting yellowish. So, I just able to see my baby that the eyes been warped. I'd waited for the whole day but still can't see my baby. I'd been waiting for the whole day for the person that going to adopt my baby to come to pay for my bills.
At around 4pm, I knew it. That's the lady that came to take my baby away. At first my room's door was keep open 'cause I wished to see the person that going to adopt my baby. Then, mom shut the door so that they can easily bring the baby out. So I peep from the window and I saw the nurse giving my baby to the lady in the car and I told mom. I knew that they will love him very much but I can't really bear the pain that my baby is leaving me.. I'd tried to not to cry but my tears just can't stop and keep on falling.
Yesterday I "curi-curi" read the messages between him and sis from my phone. And it really hurt me once again. Yesterday afternoon also I told mom that I wish to keep a photo of my baby but mom said just let it go and don't keep it anymore.
I don't know why but it really hurt my heart. I promised to myself from the day my baby left me, I'll changed and forget about the past. After this one month of time, I'll be having a new life.
Lastly, my baby will always in my heart and I will pray for him wishing he will be having a great health with a happy life.
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