Wonder...

It's been awhile for me to continue like this for the past few days.... I was thinking.... Thinking what's the meaning of our relationship? I used to have a thought that saying the words " I love You and I miss You" are really a saint's words.... but now, they no longer meaningful anymore... Sometimes I doubt why? Is that really hard to pronouns "I Love you and I miss you" clearly? Is it very embarassing saying these sentences to your love one? Why must u say I miss you either in a very soft voice or saying it as misu? Why saying I love you when you don't meant it? Do you know that, that actually hurt me much than i can say? pronounsing I love u as lufu...???? That's the true love? What true love really is? Why loving somebody is so hard?

My confession?

Just before i went to sleep last night, I sent a message to him. Telling him how i felt all these days, I don't really know that actually I will wake him up and disturb him from his sleep. He told me that actually he did cry when we were on holidays in pangkor that day.... He said he cried for almost 2 hours... Is it true? But when? That's the reason why he can't just "pujuk" me not to cry? I don't know... Somehow, I just able to hope now that this will end very soon.... Once again i'm waiting for his message the whole night... Sometimes, I doubt... What am I waiting for??? Will I be more happy by getting his message? No, I guess.... And I'm still waiting for no reason...

hurt badly....

I don't really know what has happened recently... We had a fight. A bad fight that really hurt me more than everything.... I tried to call him two days ago... It was saturday around 7pm, he was charging his phone and he felt asleep... I don't really know whether he really meant to off his phone or is just because of the faulty of the phone's battery. So I was pissed off and i off my phone as well. But i can't imagine that i'd only off my phone for just that few minutes he told me that thing's that hard for me to listen to... he told me that he will stop working in the camp and leave this place... he will go far far away and not coming back.... All of this because of me leaving him... But he never knew that he hurt me much more...... sometimes i do think that should i continue living in this world? i dont really know what should i do to continue hold on in this world... Too much of stress that i'm having.... Why people's out there so nossy about others? So what to have a boyfriend that's different race's that i am? Why he never tried to understand me? Can't he just send me a message first? Why must I be the one waiting for nothing the whole day? I hope that this will end really soon.... Sometimes i doubt that do u still love me as how u use to be? Do u care for me as last time? I really dont know!!!! I'd lost..... I'd lost everything.... I hope that i'll lost memory as well... So that i can forget all the sad and unhappy things...... I don't know what to do anymore.... Can u help me to recover? Why u want to say that u're going to leave me and ur home forever? Do u know that u hurt me much? How could u expect me to forget about it? There's no way to forget..... This will continue in my mind till the end of my life....

miserable~

Sometimes I wonder what had happened to me? No one know the answer included myself. I'd been crying a lot since my relationship with him begin. Why is it so? WHY???
Does he know about my feeling? I'd been hurt badly... I'd wish to tell him to break up but i got no courage. I scared it will hurt me more than i think it will be. But by dragging this, I'd been putting myself to a terrible situation where i can't stop crying because of him.
DARLING, I MISS U!!!!!